Day 22-Last post

Yesterday marked the three week mark, yeah! I think I have a handle on the pain that I'm experiencing so I'm going to close my blog posts. I wish I could say that I no longer have any headaches but that simple is not the case. What I do have is the confidence to know that I can handle the pain. What I'm struggling with is keeping my endurance up. It's like going on a diet and when you first start out you're excited, filled with enthusiasm, and ready to go. After a couple of weeks you can't stand the idea of eating another plain chicken breast, you just get tired of it. That's how I feel about my pain. I'm tired of it. It's become more and more tempting to just have a "quick fix" (which for me means ibuprofen) to relieve the pain.

I think the road for me has just begun.

Thank you all for your ongoing support, emails, and prayers. It has made this process so much easier knowing you were all there. With my love, Camille

Day 21

Felt great this morning...yeah! I can't believe it will be three weeks tomorrow. I am preparing to claim victory!

What I find difficult is that when I am experiencing a head ache I want to take something more than I did in the beginning. It's not that the headache is so much more painful, it's just that I'm somewhat tired of having pain with no immediate relief. It will be the psychological part that I am now seeing as my ongoing challenge.

I am eating well for the most part as I want to avoid anything that may be a trigger for me. I'm definitely not depriving myself of good food but I'm choosing better quality food and less processed food. One life long commitment I made (I am not one who makes big commitments easily) is no more diet pop. I have known for years how bad the chemicals in them are for our bodies, and in the last year I have grown more of a distaste for them so it was time to make that change. I am however still drinking a soda from time to time but I'm buying the all natural soda (is that an oxymoron?). I found a fantastic drink called Izze Sparkling Juice. It's carbonation mixed with interesting 100% juice such as Sparkling Clementine and Sparkling Pomegranate. I'll have one in the evening and kind of fills like drinking a refreshing glass of wine.

I'm also taking a container filled with supplements. Some were prescribed by the neurologist, some by research done on my own, and some by a naturopathic doctor. The most interesting thing I'm taking is Milk Thistle. What in the world in this? I do not know but it's suppose to support my liver while it's going through this detox process. She looked at my tongue to see this need. All right, I'll do as I'm told. I'm also saturating a cloth with Castor oil, you read correctly, Castor oil...and I'm putting it over my liver and covering it with a heating pad. Again, it's suppose to support my liver. I'm a compliant patient :)

Today I am having my first massage since beginning this journey. I'm going to have her go easy on me as I don't want deep tissue work to trigger any pain. Did I actually just write that? I'm the queen of "You can't possible massage too hard".

End of Day 16

I awoke at 3:00pm Saturday with pain that made it impossible to go back to sleep. I thought it would be all down hill from there. I have been asking myself why I worry so much about the possibility of pain? Why is pain so difficult for me to handle? In most every other area of my life I have such confidence, such assurance that the best is still to come, and deep gratitude. Pain however, cripples me and keeps me in bondage.

I was able to take some migraine medicine that the neurologist approved. It's not a "pain reliever" but something that's suppose to help none the less. I went down stairs and watched TV to distract me from the pain. My beloved husband came down and rubbed my neck (which also distracts the pain) for over an hour. I also put a heating pad around my feet. Apparently it's suppose to draw the blood towards your feet and ideally away from your head. I'll try anything. Peppermint oil on my temples and lots of water. I fell asleep around 7:00am and was able to sleep for a couple of hours. I went to the movies with my mom and that also was a good distraction from the pain. This morning, NO pain! Praise the Lord.

Tomorrow I have acupuncture. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I am beginning to see some light.

Day 14

I didn't have any acupuncture, except for Monday, the remainder of this week. I was even thinking, "hey, I may actually have this thing whipped" but tonight the pain began. It's that feeling you get when you know what's going to happen next. Like when you start to get a sore throat and you know a cold is coming and you know what that means: stuffy nose, bad nights sleep, etc.

Sunday will be day 16 and that's the longest I've ever gone. Fortunately I do have an appointment for acupuncture on Monday but what will this weekend hold? There's been some other stress around the house and I definately have not been "taking it easy". Perhaps I should take the advice I would give to anyone else and rest.

Day 10

Yesterday, Sunday, was rough. While I was in church the pain was so bad that I just stood there and mouthed the words to the worship songs. I know I could have left but the pain would have still been there, so I figured church was just about the best place to be.

Tonight marks the completion of day 10. I went to a new acupuncturist today. She is also an ARNP as well as a ND with credentials as some pretty impressive schools. She works in Bellevue (not so great for me who is here up in Everett) at a wellness center. I wanted to try out a second acupuncturist so I could see if the approach was any different. I learned a lot about the process from her, she has the heart of a teacher, and she was much more gentle. She also gave me some new information that I had not learned before about the liver and how it's function. I'm not sure if I'll only see her or because of the distance do a combination of my Everett gal and her. I can now say that I really believe in this treatment. Even though I'm still experiencing pain it's nothing like before. Some, unfortunately not all, of my fear of failure is subsiding.

I still wish the mornings were painfree though. They have been my worst times.

Day 6

Last night I fully came to realize the power of a blog and by being vunerable and sharing my struggle with others. Constant pain is bruttle. It wears you down. It takes your energy and attacks your spirit. For some brief moments I thought "this could all go away if I took a couple of Tylenol." I would sleep well for the night. Oh how temping it was. Fortunately the reality of what that would mean came to me. I would have to explain to everyone what happened. How I could not over come this problem. How I did not succeed. The benefit of short term pain relief was not worth the consequences.

Today was better. I wonder if the acupuncture is helping. I had a session yesterday, although it was quite unpleasant. The needles don't hurt going in but when she took a couple of them out it generated intense pain. She explained the reason why but I really do not understand. She's Chinese with a heavy accent. I canceled my massage appointment tomorrow and replaced it with another acupuncture treatment. Massage feels better of course but what I'm dealing with is not a soft tissue issue (although it maybe what's causing some of the problem) it's a chemical problem.

Thank you all for your ongoing prayers and support.

Day 4

This morning was a little better than the previous two. I looked through my journal entries of my previous attempts. The first one was April of 2008, I made it seven days, the second one was December 2008 and I lasted 16 days. I try not to get discouraged, I try not to think about the road ahead, but it's very hard to do. I do not want to fear the future because I know fear is not a fruit of the spirit. Perhaps I know this in my mind but I don't believe it in my heart.

This afternoon and evening have been very difficult. I pray that sleep comes easily and that the night is uninterrupted.

Day 3

Today is day three. Waking up each day has been the most difficult. It's like having the worst hangover of your life. Then it's like the movie Ground Hog Day because each morning is the same over and over again. I went to my acupuncturist this morning. I'm not sure how it works but I believe it does help at some level so I'm going for it.

Clarification

I wanted to make one point of clarification. Dependence (which is what I'm suffering with) is completely different from addiction.

The plan

How it all began

Six years ago, when my children were young, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was a very dark time in my life. I made the choice to seek medical attention. In additional to counseling and life coaching my doctor and I worked to find medication that would help. That journey took about one and half years. The medication made a tremendous difference in my life and I'm glad that I made that choice. Unfortunately there were side effects from the different medications and the main one were headaches and migraines. Because my mental health was my main priority to resolve I didn't pay much attention to my head pain, I would take Tylenol and ibuprofen and be done with it. During that time I also had a couple torn meniscus repaired on my knees which increased my dependence on pain medication. Two years ago I went to my primary doctor to find out what I could do about my, now, daily headaches/migraines. That's when I first heard the words "rebound headaches". This is when your body because dependant on pain medication, even "safe" over the counter medication, and when the medicine wears off your headaches begin again out of a desire for the meds. He referred me to a neurologist to work through this. In May of 2008 my neurologist developed a comprehensive plan for my withdrawal off Tylenol and ibuprofen. He said there was nothing they could do to prevent future headaches, or determine their cause, until I went through this. I lasted 5 days. The pain I experienced was some of the worst I ever had. The hardest part about this kind of pain is there's nothing to help it. One can't take a thing to help. You only have to walk through the process. I was not able to.

In December of 2008 I tried again. I developed a plan that would support this endeavor and worked at identifying that things that didn't work before. This time I lasted two weeks.

I can describe the pain like this: Imagine a cyborg type creature (metal sci fi robot) with a large steal hand. He grabs the back of your skull as hard as he can and shakes your head continually. There is nausea, eye site becomes blurry, and the pain takes all your energy and the ability to "do" life. Again, there is nothing that helps and no pill that can be taken. My neurologist has told me to not expect relief before six weeks. I also would not be able to take any medication, for any reason (think cramps!) for twelve weeks.

Another major problem with this kind of daily pain is when the pain goes beyond what I'm use to. I have been vigilant about not exceeded the daily maximum of Tylenol (1000 mg 3 times a day) along with prescription ibuprofen (800 mg 3 times a day). I know these medicines are powerful and I know they can (and perhaps have) do damage to my body. But there are times when it gets really bad. Sometimes it's stress, an illness, or another trigger that I'm unaware of that causes a higher level of intolerable pain. For those times when I can no longer stand it I find myself in Group Health's urgent care and even a few times in the emergency room. The only remedy are narcotics. These are fantastic for taking the pain away but they are a slippery and dangerous slope. I knew that this had to end soon.

I have now developed a more comprehensive plan, with the aid of my neurologist and my own personal research, that will begin this Saturday January 9th, 2010. I have cleared my calendar and I am devoting these next months towards over coming this. This blog is a way for me to document my journey, to vent and dump my feelings about what I'm experiencing, and for my wonderful and supportive friends and family to understand more deeply what I'm going through and how they can specifically pray for me.